Hello mums, Alex here.  Happy new year to you all. My personal wish to you is for 2022 to be less of a dumpster fire than the last two years!

I haven’t written a blog post here for a while, so I thought I would let you all know what Mums Support Network has been up to recently, as well as the awesome plans we have for the next few months!

In October and November last year we collaborated with SADAG, Genderlinks Canada and the Womens Voice and Leadership Grant, to organise two events as part of SADAG’s Mental Health and Gender Initiative. We were also able to expand this website with their generous funding!

In October, Mums Support Network invited mothers from our Durban communities to a free maternal mental health awareness event, where they were treated to breakfast, talks from local experts about how to work on maintaining good mental health, and every delegate went home with goodie bags and prizes. The morning was phenomenally successful. The overwhelmingly positive feedback we received reinforces for us, yet again, why what we do at Mums Support Network is so important and relevant to mothers today.

In November we hosted a free online webinar for professionals who have contact with mothers through their work, to identify and better understand maternal mental health issues. Delegates included healthcare workers, teachers, students and mental health advocates. The webinar was fully booked and again the positive feedback we received was greatly reaffirming for us.

Owing to the success of these events we hope to organise similar events again during the course of 2022! Check our Facebook and Instagram pages for updates. Our first big event for mums will hopefully take place during maternal mental health awareness month in May.  If you attend you can look forward to some great talks, as well as some well-deserved spoils!

That brings me on to our next bit of news – Mums Support Network has finally joined Instagram! Check out our page (Mums Support Network) for news of meetings, events, campaigns and much more!

I’m one of those parents who subscribe to just about every newsletter that pertains to my daughter’s development. This might seem a teeny tiny bit of an obsession, especially for someone who used to teach preschool kids, yet for me the world is always changing and with new studies being published I often find it useful to be in the know.

However, in the past few weeks I have noticed an influx of “mommy guilt” articles being published and observed that many of these articles didn’t contain stories of shared experiences. Sure, they had the facts, but the reality is that every parent has had some form of guilt during their child’s life, and I wondered what those stories entailed.

Enter the wonderful world of WhatsApp. I decided to send out a short, simple and sweet message to a few moms who would be interested in helping me with their personal stories of mommy guilt. I decided to also message a few dads as it wasn’t just the moms who were feeling this.
Truth be told I wasn’t expecting a big response; maybe two experiences, perhaps three at a push. What followed was not only overwhelming, it was alarming!

Real parents, real stories

Shann: “It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster. Are you doing too much and stunting their independence or are you not doing enough and creating problems further down the line where they will constantly seek attention? But what is too much and what is not enough?  Does anyone actually know? Like is there a guide out there or someone to tell us the exact amount of time so that you can find the balance? The crazy balancing act is like juggling chainsaws on a tightrope. The guilt seeps in at night when they are asleep and the questions start… did I play with them enough? Was I present enough? Was my attention intentional or could I have made more of an effort? Did I step in too soon and rob him of the chance to learn on his own or did I let him struggle too much?  Is he eating enough? Is he eating too much? Am I instilling the right values? Check myself – am I too strict, am I not strict enough? AAAGH. I can’t shut down and the anxiety is now full throttle… could I be better? Probably. Am I trying the best I can? Definitely.  By God’s grace and constant support I can turn off the comment section in my brain and rest knowing I still have tomorrow and the next day. That today’s exercise will be tomorrow’s lessons and I know they know how much I love them. I tell them consistently and show them continuously even through the sh*t shows.  It’s not easy. Nothing ever worthwhile ever is and nothing prepares you for mom guilt. Nothing.”

*Bethany: “I’ve been sick this week – just a cold, but also my body’s way of telling me to get some rest. My daughter – being a typical 3 year old – was being indecisive about needing to use the toilet and I just snapped. I cannot tell you how groggy, I was feeling that day. I snapped! I yelled at her like a banshee and she pee’d her pants. Right next to the toilet and stood there in tears and being all apologetic and I felt enormous amounts of guilt because I’d made her feel so bad because I couldn’t control my emotions. I feel so much guilt for working because I’m taking away time from my kids, and feeling guilty when I’m with my kids because my clients need my help, not to mention feeling guilty when I take time out to spend on me, because yet again, I’m not with my kids or helping my clients.”

*Trevor: “I used to work night-shift at my previous job and as December leave was approaching and with our 1 year old son sleeping through the night I told my wife to go have a night out with her girlfriends. About an hour after she had left our son woke up and was inconsolable. As much as I tried I couldn’t soothe him and the guilt ripped through me that I was unable to – he didn’t know me at night time and I didn’t know what he needed, worse is after two hours of constant crying I called my wife and within seconds of her picking him up, he was calm once more. I was determined more than ever to find a job that paid the same, but didn’t require night-shift.”

*Tanya: “My worst mom guilts to date have been cutting my kids nails and accidentally cutting the top skin off the thumb too. My other one was when my daughter was about 2 years old, I’d drop her at school and she’d scream ‘Mommy save me, don’t leave me!’ so loud that most of the other kids would start crying too. I spent months worrying that she was too young and I should rather keep her at home… it was awful and it riddled me with guilt for ‘abandoning’ her every day!”

*Daphne: “Just before my son was 3 months old, he was diagnosed with infantile spasms and he needed to be admitted to hospital for 5 days which would include testing and treatment. Upon admissions we discovered our medical plan wouldn’t cover the procedure. What I had thought was medical aid was instead medical insurance and they wouldn’t cover any costs going forward. I remember yelling at myself ‘What have I done? How could I have been so stupid and not get a proper medical aid? I’ve cost my baby his life 3 years before he was born. He won’t get the tests and treatments that are needed and he will be developmentally delayed for the rest of his life with special needs because I was trying to save some money on medical. The guilt was suffocating. This was my fault! My stupid fault!’”

*Simon: “After my son was diagnosed with ADHD I felt incredibly guilty. The years prior to this I had gotten so frustrated with his behaviour that I resorted to punishments in terms of time-outs and taking away his favourite toys all because to me he wasn’t listening. I see things differently now, and am a lot more patient and understanding with him.”

*Felicia: “As a mum, I was always told ‘when you are a mum, there’s no such thing as needing a break’ and ever since then, every time I go somewhere by myself or my son is not with me, I feel like an inadequate mum who cannot take care of her children.”

The takeaway

We are not alone in parenting. Shared experiences create solutions to obstacles that we are facing. If we allow ourselves not to judge each other, to give one another a safe space to talk openly and honestly, then we bring back that village that was once lost. We all have our personal version of parenting guilt, but we need to support each other and be vulnerable enough to talk rather than creating a suffocating environment of shame. We are humanly flawed and there is no shame in having parent guilt.

(Originally Published as ‘The Parent Guilt Trap’, on the Parenting Hub Website – May 2021)
Written by: Hayley Lieberthal

Hi everyone,

Sunday 20 June saw the world celebrate the dads in our lives, on Father’s Day.

Our main focus at Mums Support Network is to support mothers, however fathers make up a vital piece of the whole family puzzle. Their mental wellbeing is too often ignored, to the detriment of themselves, their partners and their children. 

We thought that with June being the month for fathers, we needed to highlight this issue. Read our latest Parenting Hub article below about experiencing PND from a father’s perspective.

Sadly our event which was going to include dads as well as mums for the very first time in Mums Support Network history, has been postponed due to the increased risk of Covid-19 infections during the third wave. We will keep you updated about the new date.

 https://parentinghub.co.za/the-silent-victims-of-pnd/

Matrescence – the change experienced by all women as they become mothers.

Click on the article below to read our contribution article on the parentinghub.co.za site for more insight on this subject. 

Matrescence – The Birth of a Mother

It’s been a busy month so far at Mums Support Network HQ! In amongst religious festivals and school holidays, we have been planning some amazing upcoming events. Keep an eye on our Facebook page to stay up to date about what’s coming up in the next few months. May is maternal mental health month and we will be discussing this important topic with a panel of local experts – YOU! June is all about dads and we are planning a beer and burger night for the men in our life… while they also enjoy a talk about ‘PND from a dad’s perspective’, by Dr Wynand Stroh. Then August is women’s month and we are putting something very very exciting together! It’s going to be all about you mums. This event is going to educate, empower and spoil you and it’s going to be absolutely free, thanks to our generous funding by GenderLinks, as part of the Mental Health and Gender Initiative.

Our April guest speaker was Ariel Garber, who spoke about the double-edged sword of anxiety and neuroticism. This is something that many of us mums suffer from, and it was reassuring to hear that anxiety can be incredibly powerful if we manage to accept it and harness its energy… easier said than done, but it can be done! If you would like to join us for our next speaker’s talk, keep checking our facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/mumsupportnetwork

We also have a brand new article featured on ParentingHub. Written by our very own advice guru Hayls Lieberthal, she explores that all-too familiar feeling: parent guilt. Read it here:
https://parentinghub.co.za/the-parent-guilt-trap/?fbclid=IwAR2Zgxi63d3a-drhF8unqb11ic28C4mibwHkh_dSOUJ-367p7lBNC8VHMjE

Although our venue for Durban meetings is still unavailable, we have made a plan and we are meeting up regularly again! See details above in our support groups section, as well as details for our South Coast and online meetings.

If you have any questions or comments, we’d love to hear from you.

Stay safe mums!

We are so excited to be teaming up with Parenting Hub Magazine to bring you informative articles about mothers and mental health. Check out our March feature here: What is Perinatal Distress… and what does it really look like?

What is Perinatal Distress… and what does it really look like?

Hi mums,

On Thursday 4 March we will be joined online by special guest Paul Bushell, who has kindly offered to do a FREE webinar for you! 

He will be chatting with us about EQ: emotional intelligence. What is this and why is it important in our lives? Learn how it affects the relationships we have with those around us, especially our partners and children. Hope to see you there!

In other news, we have a South Coast support group starting from March! Run by support group leader Jane Wright, a beautiful and kind soul, we hope to see the mums on the south coast soon. Please spread the word to anyone in the area!

Remember if you need advice send your story through to our life coach Hayls at advice@mumsupport.co.za. 

Until next time, stay safe. 

Alex

Welcome to our very first blog post! We’re so excited to be able to share all of our future news and happenings on here with you! 

Although 2021 hasn’t started off quite the way most people would have wanted after the trainwreck that was 2020, it’s going to be a busy and exciting year for us here at Mums Support Network. We have teamed up with Womens Voice and Leadership, Gender Links and SADAG to organise some amazing local events throughout the year. These events will aim to raise awareness about maternal mental health, and to reach more mothers in need of help and support!

Closer to home in March we will be welcoming psychologist and author Paul Bushell, as we chat with him in an online session to get some much needed advice about parenting in 2021. Keep your eyes peeled for more details about how to register for this talk. 

Our latest addition to the website was a suggestion from our very own PND survivor, Mums Support Network board member and support group leader Hayls Lieberthal. Her wealth of life experience and knowledge, not to mention her enormous heart and willingness to help others, makes for the perfect Agony Aunt. And you get to ask her for advice, any time of the day or night, absolutely free of charge! 

Until the next time mums, keep well and stay safe!

Alex